Travel Log
Puerto Rico: August 8th-15th, 2003
A Warning:
Please keep in mind that this travel log represents my personal experience in Puerto Rico. All of the events and sites you are about to read about actually happened, but they may have been tainted by my skepticism and sarcastic nature. I'm not trying to be culturally insensitive; I'm trying to paint a humorous picture of a less than ideal vacation.
Day One
Today my best friend Beth and I began our Caribbean vacation. After we drove three hours to Detroit, we winged our way to Florida and then flew on to San Juan, Puerto Rico. We have four-star accommodations at the Roosevelt Roads Navy Base in Ceiba, Puerto Rico, also known as my Aunt and Uncle's house on the Navy base.
On a serious note though, I expect to have quite a few panic attacks during the trip so I have tried to prepare myself as best as possible. Yesterday I went through the necessities I needed to pack: Swimsuit-check, Klonopin-check, Ativan-check, Zoloft-check. All set to go right? Not so much.
The first bit of anxiety came after boarding the aircraft that would take us from Orlando, FL to San Juan, Puerto Rico. In my Klonopin-daze, I neglected to look at a map or the time on the ticket between take off and landing, assuming that Puerto Rico was just South of the Florida peninsula. At that point my biggest concern was not having a full-blown panic attack and hyperventilating in a crowded air plane, rather than geography.
In actuality, the flight I assumed would take roughly an hour was a four hour flight instead. Evidently, Puerto Rico is not just South of Florida; in fact it is closer to Central America than the United States. So there I was, worn out after a three hour drive to Detroit, two hours at the first airport, three and a half hours on a packed airplane and another two hours in a Florida airport, trapped in a jet soaring 30,000 feet in the air over the immense sapphire ocean and occasional specks of land that resembled wintergreen tic-tacs through the tufts of wispy clouds.
As the plane finally descended towards the San Juan International Airport I looked out the window and was shocked. I expected to see the stereotypical lush green plant life and sparkling blue water; instead I saw dilapidated houses, unkept lawns and filth. We arrived in San Juan to find a less than impressive airport and staff, and briefly considered getting back on the plane and going home. Less than twenty minutes into the trip as we struggled to ask people where to pick up our bags, I realized that one year of high school Spanish eight years ago wasn't going to be enough. This place is a nightmare, I thought to myself, a little unnerved and quite surprised at the conditions around me. How many days until we get to go home?
Once we found my Aunt June, and cousins, Lauren and Katharine, I was highly relieved. The ride to the Navy Base took almost an hour, but we saw quite a few interesting things along the way. The sights included creepy vendors at every intersection selling random crafts and unsealed bottles of water and a cock fighting arena, with numerous yacht clubs mixed in. June also pointed out a strip of rickety huts, each housing a supposed bar, sixty store fronts in length. Nothing topped the makeshift boxing ring on the side of the road, however. June and the girls didn't seem phased by this little display of Puerto Rican athletics at its finest, but it was something totally new to me.
The Navy Base is still on high alert from 9-11 so Beth and I have to register every time we enter or leave the base and we have to be escorted by Mark or June. Beth feels stifled by this level of supervision, but I find it comforting in reference to the things we drove past on the way here. The base isn't so bad, maybe I can just chill here for the next seven days. It's certainly a lot cleaner and friendlier than the non-navy part of Puerto Rico I saw on the way here. I'm going to go to bed tonight and pray that I wake up in a cleaner, cooler and less aggressive place tomorrow.
Quote of the Day: This street has everything; 60 bars, a boxing ring, cock fights and a yacht club.
Travel Tip of the Day: It is probably not a good idea to drink alcohol in anything that resembles a fishing shanty, no matter how many there are in a row.
Day Two
Sleep helps everything look better. So does air conditioning for that matter. Today I woke up in a much better mood, ready to give Puerto Rico a second chance. All six of us headed to San Juan to explore the old military fort and do a little sightseeing. Beth and I decided to wander through the blue cobblestone streets and shops by ourselves for a bit and ended up in a little bar.
After ordering some “refreshments,” I spied a jukebox. With my dollar in the slot I searched for three songs in English. Out of the extremely limited options, I chose Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer,” Shakira’s “Whenever, Wherever,” and a Madonna song that ended up being in Spanish anyway. That’s right—I went to Puerto Rico to listen to Bon Jovi!
Quote of the Day: While exploring the fort at Old San Juan, Beth gave a guy my camera to take a picture of the two of us. As we were posing I said, “Beth, he’s going to steal my camera.” And she answered, “I know. That’s why I gave him yours and grabbed my bag!” Luckily, we were wrong and he gave it back.
Travel Tip of the Day: If possible, get an address and a list of references from strangers before asking them to take a picture with your camera in case they decide to “borrow” the camera.
Day Three
No showers today, rain forest and waterfalls are in store shortly. Sweat and dirt are inevitable. At the El Yunque National Rainforest, we drove up a steep and winding path about eight feet wide that was supposed to be a two-lane road. Each time a car passed by I thought we might fall of the side of the mountain but apparently this type of roadway is typical in Puerto Rico. June said its one of those things you just have to get used to but I doubt I’ll be able to do that before we go home. I’m destined for nervous rides in the car for the next five days, like it or not.
After a thirty minute hike down to the falls we reached our destination. The waterfalls and vegetation were soooo beautiful. People were climbing all over the rocks and sitting in the waterfalls so Beth and I decided to join in. We attempted to sit under the base of the tallest waterfall first. Bad idea. Water hurts when it falls that far and that fast. Also, jagged slippery rocks are not easy to see under the fast moving water and even harder to hold on to. To say the least, it was a challenge not to cut ourselves or get pushed under the water. Blame it on the heat or our stupidity, but we tried under smaller waterfalls even after that first painful attempt without too much success.
The hike back up to the car seemed to take twice as long. Once we finally got back to the Volvo we were greeted by a $30 parking ticket. Since the rainforest is a national park owned and operated by the U.S., we received a citation from the United States Federal Court. We had two options; send a check or appear in Atlanta, Georgia two weeks later to contest the ticket. I promptly wrote a check when we got back to the base. No need to extend an already stressful vacation by making a trip to court, even if it was on the mainland.
Quote of the Day: One the way back to the Navy Base we saw an unusual sight. At 3:45 p.m. there was a donkey tied to the outside of a bar. A burro outside of a bar! I asked Beth, “Are we in Tijuana?”
Travel Tip of the Day: Any business with livestock tied out front should probably be avoided, the cleanliness is questionable.
Day Four
Today Beth and I took a ferry to Culebra, a smaller island eighteen miles away from Puerto Rico. After waiting forever for the ferry to arrive at the dock, let alone take us to the island we realized that time is irrelevant here. Things happen whenever it is convenient for the people running the business—not the customers. Once the ferry finally arrived we selected seats on an outdoor deck for the hour and a half cruise. Between the huge, hanging clouds and the azure rolling water I could have stayed on the boat forever. It was so relaxing and peaceful I decided to forgive the delay at the marina.
Once we reached Culebra we followed Mark and June’s instructions and hopped a bus to Flamenco Beach, known as the most beautiful beach in the Caribbean. The beach was packed but extremely beautiful and worth the trip. Coconuts were strewn about the beach haphazardly and palm trees arched over beach goers providing much needed shade. After swimming and relaxing under palm trees for a few hours we decided to catch the bus back to the port for dinner before leaving for Puerto Rico.
At this point we witnessed the finest demonstration of the Puerto Rican work ethic, or lack thereof, to date. Our bus driver was nowhere to be found and the only bus in sight looked like it had been abandoned months before. Thirty minutes later, our bus driver arrived at the beach on a single, rickety moped with three girls and jumped into the junky bus with a screwdriver in the ignition to take us back to the harbor. This bus was a disaster. It had exposed wiring, a ghetto stereo, and twenty-eight passengers when it clearly read fifteen passengers maximum and side doors that didn’t shut. On the way to the harbor the driver even hit something with the open doors and kept driving.
By now, I was more than ready to go home. The bus was the deciding factor. I just wanted to get off of Culebra, back to Puerto Rico and stay on base until our flight left for the U.S. with all of its safety regulations, cleaning standards and time conscious schedules. For me, this vacation has been anything but relaxing. I will definitely be etching the days left on a cement wall, like a prison inmate, until I get released from this vacation incarceration.
Quote of the Day: I don’t know if it is the heat, the sun, or all of the water but people in Puerto Rico are not concerned about being on time or staying within advertised schedules. Today I realized, “Clocks are useless here.”
Travel Tip of the Day: Beware of any bus that doesn’t require keys or have working doors; it probably hasn’t been inspected for safety in years, if ever.
Three Days Left
Today we went to the Fajardo Yacht Club for an eight hour Catamaran Cruise with stops for snorkeling, breakfast and lunch on board and unlimited alcohol free of charge. Big surprise, once we got to the boat we had to wait 45 minutes for things to get moving. Keep in mind that the boat was supposed to leave the harbor at 9 a.m. and the complimentary alcohol was already flowing at this point. A lot of people were drinking at this point, even the captain, but Beth and I decided to wait until after snorkeling to partake in the rum punch experience.
Once we finally got out on the water, the sights of Puerto Rico were dazzling. We were afloat in a sea of glitter as the intense, radiant sun kissed our skin. I felt like I was literally sailing through a postcard. Unfortunately, the Puerto Rican norms that I had come to expect would soon reappear. At the training site for snorkeling we were supposed to receive instructions before moving to a deeper sight for more extensive exploration. Keeping with our vacation standards thus far, the training consisted of, “What size shoe do you where?” and “There’s the ladder.” By now the lack of advertised instruction and helpfulness from the staff barely fazed me. Luckily Beth had been snorkeling before otherwise I wouldn’t have known what to do.
On the way to the second snorkeling site we were served an impressive lunch. Despite the heat we resisted the rum punch once again in the name of safety. Unlike the “training” location, our new snorkeling site was located farther out in the ocean over an expansive coral reef, 30 to 50 feet deep. I didn’t stop to think about the added effort that would be required to combat the ocean currents and waves. It was an effort just to stay in the same place let alone swim anywhere. After about an hour of that whole work-hard-to-stay-in-the-same-place routine I decided to head back to the boat for some rum punch. Sadly, the rum punch was the highlight of the vacation thus far for me. Whatever it takes right?
Quote of the Day: As we sailed away from the yacht club Beth noted,“It’s comforting to know that the captain is drinking.” Maybe it had something to do with the sign onboard that said, “Rum is not just for breakfast.”
Travel tip of the Day: When snorkeling in the Caribbean or any area with direct sun remember to apply sunscreen to your whole body frequently; especially the back of your legs or you’ll end up glowing red like Rudolph’s shiny, little nose. Believe me, it’s not pretty and it certainly doesn’t feel good.
Two Days Left
After a full day of sun, snorkeling and rum punch, Beth and I were definitely in the mood for a minimalist day. When June suggested outlet shopping we were in. Shopping in Puerto Rico was similar to shopping at home with one major difference: women wear their clothes much tighter here. Since our fashion sense seemed to be overruled we didn’t buy anything substantial but the air conditioning made the day worthwhile. Today was the most relaxing day of our vacation and, although I felt a little guilty for not taking advantage of the vacation setting, I enjoyed just being lazy.
Quote of the Day: Beth has issues with hoochie girls and their clothes. At the mall she announced, “Stores should be labeled like TV shows—for how hoochie they are.”
Travel Tip of the Day: Everyone needs a day to relax, even in the middle of a vacation. Don’t be afraid to hit an outlet mall for a bit of home.
One Day Left
Today’s highlight was sleeping in and waking up to an empty house. After lounging around for a few hours Beth and I decided to walk to the neighborhood beach for a bit of swimming and sun. We packed up some snacks and drinks and left a note for Mark and June to leave the door unlocked for us after lunch. Can you see where I’m going with this?
Following a seaside nap on the secluded, empty beach we headed back to the house. Unfortunately, Mark found our note but forgot to leave the door unlocked on his way out. No problem, Beth took her cell phone to the beach so we thought we could just call June’s cell. Wrong. As soon as we dialed the number we could hear it ringing inside the house, so much for an easy rescue. We had to wait nearly two hours before the next door neighbor came home and offered to go find June for us. What a way to top off our last day in Puerto Rico, by sitting in a car port in 115 degree heat with a sunburn and limited water supply.
Quote of the Day: Just a lot of swearing when we realized the door was locked. Sorry, Mom.
Travel Tip of the Day: Don’t get locked out of any building in the Caribbean during mid-August’s mid-day sun. Take my word for it, it’s not pleasurable and I do not recommend it.
Homeward Bound
Finally!!! We get to go home today. I have never been so excited to go back to boring, little Allegan, Michigan in my entire life. Normally, I am not a morning person, but when the alarm went off at 6 a.m. I jumped out of bed with a mix of excitement and desperation. Although it was nice to see Mark, June, Lauren, and Katharine, I am relieved to be heading home. With our bags packed and our goodbyes said, Beth and I boarded the plane. We were even too tired to be amused by the flamboyant airline attendants like we were on the way to Puerto Rico. As we pulled into my driveway over 12 hours later, I drew a long awiated sigh of relief. Good riddance, Puerto Rico. Hello, home.
Travel Tip of the Day: Always sit in the emergency row of the airplane when possible. You’ll have a lot more room to spread out. Besides, what are the chances that you will actually have to do any type of emergency procedures anyway?
Quote of the Day: From the feminine, yet male flight attendant on our first flight, “Can you two be strong girls and help us out in case something goes wrong?” Sure buddy, I’ll get right on that.